My First Video Blog Ever!!

Don't flame me too much yeah?

Letting Go and Cleaning Out

I've decided I need to focus on myself for the rest of the summer. Healing my emotional wounds, healing the damage I've wrought on my body and figuring out who I am and what I want to do. Love can wait right now. I can't.. I'm incapable of loving myself right now even though so many people have said that is what I need to do. I can't love myself so I take all that extra and focus it on HL extra hard.

I need to become comfortable with myself again.

Yesterday I started another Master Cleanse. I did it before in february or maybe march for 14 days. This time, I'm going to be on the Master Cleanse for 40 days.I probably should have done a post about it yesterday but I was too tired. Also, this time I'm going to be exercising in addition to fasting so hopefully I'll lose at least my target (which is 40lbs). If everything goes as planned I'll be under 200lbs and able to exercise more heavily by the end of the summer.

After completing the Master Cleanse, I plan to do P90x while on a raw food/semi-vegetarian diet. I'll let everyone know how it goes.

As for HL. I don't know. I've sort of given up. I understand what he wants but it conflicts with what I want so strongly that I'm not sure how to deal with it. I like him. That much is obvious. He's my friend and I like him for that. But he's also more than that to me and I don't know how to deal with my feelings for him because I'm not entirely sure he's sure what we're supposed to be doing with each other Some days things feel so intense and some days I feel like crying so I need to step away.. for better or for worse.

I'm thinking about doing really short videos for the Master Cleanse updates. We'll see. Either way, I hope everyone had a nice weekend and will have a nice week.

P.s. I am so hungry!! =(

Also, it turns out I was nominated in 5 award categories at the Nigerian Blog Awards!!! Please Vote for me!!

I promise there'll be nice bribes for people that help me win all five. ;P

Last night

HL and I had another fight.

But we made up.

I think... I'm beginning to understand what I want.

I want affection. And with HL I've been substituting sex for affection. It's not the same thing.

I've done it with everyone I've ever been with (used sex as a stand-in for affection) because in the past, it was the only way I could get affection.


With HL, I already had his affection but I couldn't see it. Like Nosa said, I wouldn't recognize it if it was written on a  billboard on his head and if he smacked me in the face with it.


HL keeps forgiving my transgressions but everyone must have their limit right?


Last night I actually cried in front of him. Usually I wait till he's out of sight and earshot before dissolving into tears but last night he apologised (for something I did) and I went to his room to tell him in person that it wasn't his fault and I was sorry. 


Maybe I couldn't believe he liked me and so I kept trying to force him to show me the hate I was convinced he held for me.


He doesn't hate me. I know that now but I've still fucked things up royally.


I keep using sex to ask for forgiveness... and HL forgives my transgressions...but like he said last night.. he would forgive me anyway... even if I didn't ask.

I'm not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.

I'm still trying to break up with myself.

I want to be with HL but how am I going to protect him from myself?

when the sun shines we'll shine together

told you I'll be here forever

said I'll always be your friend

took an oath, i'mma stick it out to the end

now that it's raining more than ever

know that we'll still have each other

you can stand under my umbrella

HL will let me stand under his umbrella... but not the way I want. We are friends.. yes... but the other feelings between us are unpredictable.

I have to get my addictions under control and stop substituting one for another. Sex or food. Food or sex. I've started eating again because I needed to stop creeping into his bed in the dead of the night. HL is not Bakura. They are like Night and Day. Doing the same thing with both of them doesn't produce the same results.

HL does not require peace offerings from me or a heart beating wildly with fear.

I started eating again... so I could stop.

He doesn't know.. but I can't let him find out. I'll get this under control somehow....

No Matter

Where I go

What I do

What I change

What I struggle to become

......

I will never be good enough

I got tired of being depressed

So I did a world cup inspired drawing.

It's an Igbo girl kicking a soccer ball.

It's not finished yet. Not even by a long shot. But I thought I'd show you guys.

Thank you everyone for being supportive and for all the advice you've given me. I stopped going to therapy in December because my therapist wanted me to pull up loads of memories like this and relive them and work through them and I just couldn't do it.

I won't be able to 'get help' during the summer but at least that means that I have the rest of the summer to work up the courage to go back into therapy when the term starts.

Last night Hung Lo and I talked about a couple of things and I think I'm happy with how things are. Being with him is completely different from anything I've ever experienced and I think I'm not going to overthink it. Either way, right now, he means happiness. And that much is enough to be thankful for.

Sorry but I didn't realise my scanner wasn't wide enough so it cut off the tips of her fingers on her right hand.

I'll post a picture of it in my sketchbook later so you can see the whole thing.

I know, my artists' signature gets worse and worse every time.

I need to figure out a cool artistic signature, seriously.

Plus I've been thinking that I'm not putting enough into my art. I did a couple of portraits a few days ago and they were terrible. Probably the worst portraits I have ever done in my life. I must practise, practise, practise. I've looked at some other artists and I found out that I am not even doing up to a tenth of what they do. I know this one girl that does thirty drawings every day. It took me three weeks to complete this drawing I've just posted and it's not even complete yet - I haven't coloured. I have to work harder at this. I feel like my drawing abilities are getting worse not better.

How am I ever going to measure up to the people on Deviant Art?

P.S.

I was originally going to make this a follow up post about my father but it's too emotionally draining and I don't have the energy.

Night Clouds

I just found out I have a 14 year old sister.  My father lists her as his first child.

I'm 21.

I feel betrayed.

He abandoned me. For 18 maybe 19 years. Not a word. Nothing. And I dealt with it. I can fucking deal. I'm still fucking dealing. Next year will make it twenty years since the night he drove away into the darkness without a look back at the little girl peering at him through the window begging him silently to turn around.

And I fucking dealt.

I never said I needed anything. I never said I wanted anything. Or maybe I lied. Maybe I just needed you to protect me when noone else could and you weren't fucking there. You were too busy protecting someone else while your child was molested and abused and beaten and raped and bullied and forced to choke on her pain until it made her numb.

I never said I wanted anything. Every time I went back to someone like Bakura... it was because I was looking for something I knew I was never going to find. And I knew I would never find it where I was looking because I already knew where it was. I knew where you fucking were even if I didn't know where. You were reading bedtime stories to this ten year old bitch while your seventeen year old bastard was being burned with the lit end of a blunt and forced to her knees. You were driving her to school while I was walking from Asokoro to Maitama at three in the morning barefoot because Bakura got drunk again and forgot me somewhere. I think I stayed with Bakura so long because he reminded me of you. Or of what you were supposed to be. He was big and he was strong and he had the power to protect me. But instead of keeping me safe he shackled me to him and destroyed me. He always ALWAYS forgot about me. Just like you've done for the last nineteen years. Forgotten that I exist. Forgotten that I'm your child. Forgotten my name, my face, my voice, my soul.

You must be her hero Daddy dearest. Tell me, did you swoop in and save the day when it seemed like everything was about to go wrong? Did you help her with her homework? Did you kiss scraped knees or sleep in her bed because she was too scared of the dark to sleep alone or was that just me?

Did you fight her battles for her? Did you fight her fears away? Because you never did that for me. And maybe someone will say that I sound fucking jealous but you don't know SHIT about pain. Take it from me you motherfucking bastard sonofabitch because I know about pain and you haven't even tasted it yet. I know because every day I had to put on my armour and go out and get killed. Every single day. This girl has never had a champion. I have never had a fucking hero. Never. No matter how desperate it got. Not even if I was on the brink of fucking death would anybody step in and say 'I'll save you'. I never said I wanted anyone to do it, but it was supposed to be you.

It was supposed to be you

And you failed me.

You failed me because in your world I don't exist. You replaced me with someone else and hoped that noone would notice you were stretching her to fill a seven year gap. It's a strange feeling. To know that there is somewhere in the world that I actually don't exist. And yet I exist here in this space and it's fucking killing me.

I'm so glad I don't look like you because if I did, I'd hack my fucking face off. I can't wait to be free of the burden of your name. I got a new passport last year and I would have had them erase your name but I've got other documents that have it on them and I just need to wait for everything to be renewed so I can erase your memory from my patch of the Earth.

I think the saddest thing is that I was never one of those people that wondered where their father was. I knew EXACTLY where you were you piece of shit. And I knew because there was no way for me not to know. Your BROTHER is married to my mother's fucking COUSIN. You're practically best friends with my godmother. How the FUCK did you expect me not to know that you've spent my entire life tiptoeing around me and hoping that I wouldn't find out??

Fuck you.

Fuck your perfect little family that doesn't include me. And fuck every little bastard you had her spit out of her pussy to replace me.

You died in my eyes a long time ago. From time to time I used to wonder if I would care if you died. I used to wonder if you ever thought about me or if I died if you would hurt.

I don't want to know the answer anymore.

Thank you for ensuring that I would be totally messed up inside. Thank you for years of being called a bastard in school and years of being laughed at by holier-than-thou shitpricks whose parents were still together. Thank you for completely erasing me from the face of the Earth, and for scrubbing your family history clean of the stain of your illegitimate child.

Thank you for not being there when the world was shattering around me and I was spinning out of control because I was overdosing on fear, adrenaline, and Never.

For years I couldn't sleep because I was afraid. Because I was desperately lonely. Because I didn't belong anywhere and I didn't belong to anyone. And so when they called I came. Bakura and his men. I went because there was nothing better and nothing left to feel. And they did everything that could possibly be done to me and you weren't there. You weren't there to stop them. You never said enough. You never cared. You probably don't even know if I'm still alive.

My 14 year old replacement apparently just wrote a book. Congratulations darling. Hey Daddy, wonderful job you've done of supporting her dreams and pulling strings to help your little angel fulfill her potential.

I'm nobody's angel.

I feel like shit.

What's new? I've been feeling like shit for as long as I can remember. I've been one step away from fucking overdosing for as long as I can remember.

Last night Hung Lo and I had another fight. I wouldn't leave his room because I wanted to sleep in his bed and he literally had to push me out into the corridor. I didn't mean to make him angry but how the hell do you explain that at 21 you still have nightmares bad enough to cause insomnia almost every single night? How do I explain to him that I'm still terrified of the monsters in my dreams only that the monsters I see when I close my eyes aren't monsters at all but people I know and the horrible things that they do to me in the dark really happened once upon a time? Why the fuck would I ever say that to Hung Lo? He'd kick me out all the faster if I told him that right now his bed is the only place where I feel safe, lying in the dark with his arms around me.

Hung Lo always comes to see me at work. He didn't come today. I guess he's still angry. Once again I ruined his night because I'm still fucking overcompensating. Overcompensating for forcing myself to feel nothing in spite of everything and now that I've finally allowed myself to feel with him, it's too much. I'm a fucking drug addict only I get high on the smell of his skin.

Dear Daddy, I fucking hate you, you piece of shit. Today I stopped being unsure. As long as you live if I can I will destroy you, and when you die, I promise I'll visit.

I'll dance a jig and spit on your grave.

And maybe I'll dig you up and leave you out for birds to pick at for good measure

Love,

The daughter that never was

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday ( I know it was last Monday)

I haven't done a portrait in a really long time

.....but I did one of H.L.

It's not my best work, but it's pretty damn close.

=D

According to this Article

Hung Lo and I are doomed.

I am an only child and he is an only child.

Pretty much EVERY resource (academic, medical, and plain old random) out there says that two only children being together in a romantic relationship is a VERY BAD IDEA.

=(

You know the sad part? It's beginning to show. HL and I have had no less than four different arguments in the past ten days.

http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/famfri/family/articles/0,,163_559971-2,00.html

Japan Won!!!!

H.L. came and told me

He looked so happy and surprised, I gave him a Malt in celebration

=D

I Woke Up for the World Cup

I don't even like soccer

But this morning I woke up 

And painted little flags on my cheeks and forehead

To support Nigeria

Only to walk in and find out that Argentina had scored us 1-0

HL watched the match with us.....

...and even plied us with delicious Japanese treats

which I am now addicted to by the way

But it wasn't enough to heal the anguish of the other Nigerians

no, not even Japanese rusks..

..could help Osaigbokan's pain

People of Teh Interwebz...

I am defecting to Ghana

Victims of Abuse

...will often seek out abusive relationships.

Last night I don't know what happened but something fucking broke inside my head

Now the shit has hit the proverbial fan

Why oh why can't I be normal?

I guess this is normal for someone like me

I thought I'd suppressed all the painful memories that messed up things in my head

I guess not.

Last night they reared their ugly heads and I fucking went apeshit.

You see

Abusive relationships are predictable

And all I want is to feel safe

If you can tell what is going to happen you can protect yourself

Yeah he might hit you and yell at you and force your legs apart every now and then

But at least you knew it was coming

And you can set your mind on Autopilot

You see

Hung Lo makes me feel safe

But Hung Lo is also unpredictable

Which makes me feel unsafe

In other words he confuses me

And confusion is rather dangerous... or so I've learned from experience

So

Even though I knew I shouldn't

And even though I tried not to

And even though it was stupid

And the worst possible shit to pull

Last night I tried to push him to the limit

And give him power that's always incredibly dangerous

In the hope that he would use it

Last night I watched myself be fucking stupid

And he taught me something about control

So in other words

I made a fool of myself

And I might have walked out of there covered in the scent of his skin

With a lovebite on my neck to proclaim his ownership of me

And I might have cried myself to sleep

And he probably thinks I'm crazy right now

And I wouldn't blame him if he did

Because sometimes I think I'm fucking crazy

And sometimes I don't like to be by myself

Because I'm scared to be alone with myself

Hung Lo confuses the shit out of me

And I don't like it

Hung Lo makes me feel both safe and unsafe

Safe because I know he won't hurt me

And unsafe because I don't know what he will do

or what I'll be tempted to force him to do

We are friends

But when I'm near him I want something so badly it borders on hunger

Maybe I've been running on Autopilot so long

That I expect him to be abusive

Maybe I'm just waiting for it to happen

I couldn't possibly abuse him

Unless you count using him to use myself

Dear God, please make him kiss me again

Before I unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

My New Bicycle Came

I assembled it myself. 

I probably would have finished sooner if I hadn't spent all day by Hung Lo's bedside. (He's ill).

More (and better) photos later.

A Nice Start to the Day

I came to work one and a half hours late.

I've only been sitting here for thirty minutes and guess who walks up sipping cappuccino?

Hung Lo!!!!!!

And then he smiled at me and waved, and I waved back and started smiling like a daft monkey and then he came over and sat across from me and we did a contour drawing of the basket that was on my table together.

He's soooooooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night we played Truth or Dare.... and he asked me some very pointed questions. (Like: How many people have you had sex with in your entire life? and How many boyfriends have you ever had?)

And somewhere in the "Dares" I got to twist his nipples (it hurts like hell) and I got kicked in the left boob (that also hurts like hell).

Then I was so overcome by his sexiness that I went to bed in tears.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I think he's forgiven me for The Incident.

I need to take some Ibuprofen.

In other news: I teach English to Korean students and one of my students told me he thinks I'm beautiful!!!!

Class was cancelled yesterday so I took some pictures instead

Make gif


Make gif


Make gif

Oh and I did my twists myself. Every. Last. One.

It took me two weeks. =D

This Morning I was cold

... and I snuck into bed with Hung Lo.

I shouldn't have. But I did anyway.

He was really really angry.

I am so so stupid.

I always mess things up.

I hate myself.

Update: In case anyone was wondering, he was angry because he had already told me he was feeling ill and wanted to get some rest... alone... and I was completely selfish and I went and climbed into bed with him anyway.

I am very wicked

My roommate is on the phone talking to her boyfriend and batting her eyelashes and rubbing one leg with the other and I find myself thinking:

How is it that this fat girl has a boyfriend and I don't?

I know you'll probably say this is a clear cut case of a pot calling a kettle black since I am fat but she is fat-ER

So I sit here and wonder what she has that I don't

But then... oh wait... she can keep her mushy phone calls.......Hung Lo kissed me* .......  ;)

*I have promised HL that I will 'be good' so I shall not kiss and tell.