...He wants me to forgive him
....He wants us to be friends
...I didn't know what to say
...I'm afraid he'll call again
...and I still won't know what to say
Today I went to see HL
...who still doesn't want to see me
...I went because Bakura's call really upset me
...So I guess I was looking for my little happiness where I thought I'd stashed it
...HL found my little happiness and stomped all over it
...and banished me from his door
...I ordered a pizza I have no intention of eating
...It's sitting on the floor next to me
...I guess it reminds of me of the empty days when I ate to fill the hole inside me
...I've still got a hole
...but it's smaller now
...much smaller
...but it sucks everything into the darkness with just as much strength
...HL doesn't understand
...I do not come to him because I cannot be somewhere else
...or because I have nothing to do
...I have loads of things to do
...I go to him because
...the door to his room
...is the portal to another world
...the gateway to a place
...where noone can find me
...where the girl who was seventeen doesn't exist
...and never existed
...in his room
...in his presence
...there is no fear
...no anxiety
...no mind numbing pain
...in his presence
...I feel brand new
...HL is the gatekeeper to my happy place
...but he doesn't understand
...and so he continues to deny me entry
...don't turn me away
...I come only because
...I come to feel alive
...I come because where you are, I see in colour
...because you fight away my nightmares without even trying
...with your eternal mess
...your scruffy pajamas
...your video games at three in the morning
...with your laughter
...and your smiles
...and even your anger
...but most especially
...with your kisses
...which are few
...and even farther between
...please don't turn me away
...say you'll keep me
...because I come to you to remember how to breathe
...and how to laugh
...and how to feel
...I have many insecurities
...many that have to do with you
...and many that don't
...but I forget them all either way
...as long as you will let me sit by your bed
...and prevent you from sleeping
...I'm sorry
...I don't mean to hold you from sleep
...but when you do
...I have to leave
...because you won't let me stay while your chest rises and falls and your breath comes in peaceful little gusts
...I hate leaving
...because then I have to come here
...and remember who I am
...and remember that I am real
...and not just a character in someone's nightmare
...I trudge through the days
...staring into space like a robot
...until my little happiness walks up
...sipping cappuccino with his ipod earphones in his ear
...one look
...one smile
...and it's enough to stave off sadness for the day
...but I keep wanting more
...I need more
...more of what you're not willing to give anymore
...but who am I fooling?
...I knew it would happen like this, end like this, be like this
...so I took what I could get
...and I offered what you could never refuse... noone has ever refused
...I'm sorry for treating you like a drug
...truly, I am
...Today Bakura called
...to remind me of the past
...he said
...I used to be his woman, his girl, what happened?
...It's so easy for him to ask what happened
...so easy
...because he's not the one stuck writing blog posts
...about shit that won't get out of his head
...so easy
...because he's not the one that cries
...when HL touches him
...he doesn't have to blame his tears on contact lenses
...he doesn't sleep curled up in a ball at the bottom of the bed
...with his head tucked between his knees
...and his hands over his head
...I do
...and so it's easy
...to say it was so long ago
...because you didn't relive it every day and find no punishment enough
...so easy
...so so easy
