40 Day Master Cleanse: Days 1 and 2
I honestly don't feel like writing right now. I don't feel like doing anything more than lying in bed (the couch) and staring at the ceiling all day. Last night I went to him to ask what I did wrong (yet again). He says I get on his nerves and he's beginning to hate me so before that happens I'm just going to go away.
Last night I laid out all the pills on the table and arranged them in groups of three. I counted them, and then I counted them again, and tried to breathe. Nineteen pills in all. I counted and counted and counted until the tears came. And then I cried until I passed out.
It feels as though no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for him. I will never be what he wants. He will never look at me and see me as I see him. He says there is a huge difference between his standards and mine. I get yelled at for everything now. For commenting on his Facebook statuses, for "interrupting" him when he's talking with his friends, for giving him "strange looks" when he's talking to other girls ... I don't mean to. I suppose my face just betrays my sadness. For talking too much.. for talking too little, for saying unnecessary things, for making unnecessary gestures which are really born out of my inability to express how I feel when I'm with him.
Maybe the look on my face is funny because I'm jealous. Incredibly jealous and incredibly sad. I have to see him and then when I do, I feel like the walking dead.
I don't argue... I just nod my head when he lists my faults and promise to do better. I apologise over and over again because I'm terrified that he will say he won't see me anymore... and then what will I do? Go back to my old life of crushing loneliness? Go back to gorging myself in the middle of the night or playing Age of Empires till the sun's first rays peek through my window because I am once again unable to sleep? Go back to living vicariously through the family I control on the Sims 3... a world in which he is happy with me.
I can't. He doesn't understand why I continuously show up at his door. Because he is asking me to re-descend into darkness and I can't because he already showed me that I can live in the light. I have always tried hard to respect his wishes. Hard has not been good enough up till now so from now on, I will try harder. I will keep away... for days.. for weeks.. for months... maybe forever. I will go out into the world and smile brilliantly even though inside my heart is breaking. When he hugs and kisses other women I will smile and force my eyes to sparkle. When I see him pass I will look away. I will forget because I must. We live in the same house so I must forget as soon as possible. I choose to forget because if I don't, then maybe the next time he kisses her or helps her carry something because she's too tiny and pale and delicate to do it on her own I might just swallow all those little groups of three and call it a day.
My mother came to see me... the first thing she said to me was "You are so fat. Look how wide your face is. You are so ugly."
I can only speak for myself. I have no idea what my image is in his eyes. I wish I could see from his eyes and feel his feelings and understand. I know I have many shortcomings.. all of which I am working hard to fix. I don't know what else to do, but I can't shake the feeling that I wish I were short and tiny and Japanese and then maybe that would help somehow.
I can never be short.
I can never be petite.
I can never be cute.
I can never be Japanese.
And I can't be white either.
In other words... I probably can never be what he wants...
And I guess that's okay.
This was supposed to be about the Master Cleanse wasn't it? Today is Day 2. Yesterday I weighed 245 pounds (about 111.4 KG). Today I weigh 241.4 pounds (109.7 KG). Health/hunger wise... I feel fine. Nothing much to report. Of course there are no visible physical changes yet. I'm sorry again.
I know that I've been told to get help, but I think I should clarify something. The reason I'm afraid to go back to the therapist is because they keep suggesting medication and I don't want to take any drugs. I'm really scared of antidepressants because I'm afraid I won't be myself anymore.