Every Guy I Have Ever Been With
Has been ashamed to hold my hand, to tell his friends he's with me, to acknowledge our relationship in public. Every term, I tell myself I'm going to get a 4.0. In the end I find myself struggling to scrape by. I study just as hard and harder but nothing seems to work and I'm stupid because I kept hoping that somehow it would be different. Somehow, I hoped desperately that it would be different here, there, anywhere, somehow. It never is different. Once again I'm back where I've always been. I should be used to this. I am used to this. It's fine. I guess. I suppose it only hurts because I dared to hope one more time like the fool I am. If I had just buried all my fucking hopes at least it wouldn't hurt. I'd still be numb inside.I hate this feeling. I hate wondering if it will ever be okay, wondering if the day will ever come when I don't stand here fighting creeping shame... humiliated again. It's been this way for so long I should be used to it. And yet it pleases my stupid fucked up soul to hope. I guess I hope because deep down inside I desperately want things to be different. Deep down inside I want someone, anyone to just be proud of me for once. Stupid me. Everyone deals with the hand they've been dealt. Only God knows what previous shit I'm paying for now. I am such a fucking fraud. Why? Because I'm a loser but deep down inside sometimes when I'm alone staving off the tears from a hollow orgasm that only serves to remind me that I'm choosing to be alone rather than bear the passions of another man that won't even look at me as he spills into me though the whisper of his name on my lips is as a fervent prayer, I like to let myself dream that maybe someday I could be a winner. Someday. Bullshit. What do I know about winning? I who have been bottom and last and an afterthought in and of everything? I don't know shit about winning but I do know a whole lot about losing. A whole damn lot. I know failure like I know Bakura's body. And you know what? Maybe that's what all my stupid false hope was about. At least I'm fucking good at falling short of everyone's expectations, even my pretty low ones. Maybe there is hope after all... I fucking win at failing.