Frozen

I don't know what to do.

I've managed a few months by staying indoors and talking to almost absolutely noone. In the past six months I've left the house about a total of fifteen times.

I can't go on any longer. I'm stuck. I'm panicking. I can't work. For the last month my work performance has been steadily declining and there's probably a 90% chance that I will be fired.

I can't keep pretending to be happy. I'm not.

I have panic attacks every day. The sheer amount of anxiety I'm dealing with every day is staggering. I can see why some people suffering from anxiety would check out sites such as etizoco.com, to see if they can find alternative methods for managing their symptoms better. Dealing with anxiety can be quite tough at times, but knowing that there are possible solutions out there could help put your mind at ease.

At least one comfort I have is that I know that I am not alone in my struggle. There are plenty of people out there in the world who have anxiety disorders, and so many of them are learning to cope with it. If they can do it, then so can I.

On one hand, if I stop working, it will be fewer interactions with people and perhaps that's for the best since I'm barely functioning at this point.

But on the other hand, if I'm fired, I won't have any money and the panic is already rising. I spent four years in school just barely, barely making it from term to term by the skin of my teeth. I don't want to not have money. The thought of not having money makes me feel really really ill. Losing my job will mean losing my freedom but at the same time I can't in good conscience continue this way, not if I'm not getting my work done and holding everyone back.

On many levels it feels like this is yet another thing that I have failed at in my life. Unlike normal people, I can't even keep a job.

Sometimes, I think, on top of everything else that happened, for me to come out of it with such a debilitating anxiety disorder is so unfair.

To not be able to go out and talk to people without your heart pounding and feeling like you can't breathe. To not be able to talk to people at work without feeling the same way until you're at the point where you can't even think about work without panicking.

My therapist recommended medication when I was in school but I was really really resistant because I was so afraid (and still am) that I'd be dependent on the medicine and become a different person. There are various treatments and I was told about a lot of prescribed drugs and told that I could use CBD oil for anxiety too. For a while I was okay, but recently I started having the panic attacks so bad, I decided to try it.

It's only added to my work problems. I have insomnia (I've always had it) but when I do fall asleep, I'm sleeping ridiculous amounts. Now I just missed a massively important work meeting .... from oversleeping. I felt a little hope recently when I heard that herbal remedies like those you find at naturesaidcbd.com are a much better alternative, because they help to ease the symptoms of anxiety without destructive side effects. I just need to find the motivation to give them a try because I've heard such good things. I also need to talk more about my problems with others because as the saying goes, a problem shared is a problem halved, but that needs a little more work too.

I tried talking to my family about my fears and my anxiety but they just yelled at me and didn't try to listen.

Living with an anxiety disorder is hard for anyone, but I think living with one in Nigeria is even more so.

To people here, problems of the sort I have are simply a sign of weakness.

And to be honest, that's how I feel inside. Like a weak, unsuccessful human being.

A failure.