Home Is Where the Hatred Is

Having to live with someone because you have no choice is a terrible thing.

To constantly be reminded that your are beholden, at their mercy, and have them threaten to kick you out at any moment and know that you have nowhere to go is something that hopefully will never happen to you but many people endure here, I know.

I got back from the hospital today, but in many ways I wish I somehow could have stayed.

I keep asking myself, is there really nowhere I can go? There is no answer because there is none.

I can't go home.

Home doesn't exist any more.

School was in many ways my one safe place. Instead of shunting around from one relative to another to be yet another person's burden, at school my room wasn't huge, it was just a small box, but everything from the locked door to the four walls, at least was mine.

Mine. Somewhere I could go, and if things got too bad, I could close the door and sit the world out.

Maybe that's why I wished I didn't have to leave.

That's why I was out all night with Bakura, because I just wanted to forget everything and pretend I didn't exist.

That's why I was beating down Yasu's door, because I just wanted a fresh start in a place where I wasn't me.

Because I didn't want to go home.

Because I can't go home.

There isn't a place in this world that is home for me.

Home doesn't exist any more.

My mother just got up one day and left. Walked out without a word, and never came back.

And so, I came back to nowhere to live. To nothing.

You see, home was demolished a long time ago, and I didn't even know.

I don't want to be dependent on anyone ever again.

All I want in the world right now is somewhere to live. Somewhere that is mine.

To constantly threaten someone with the insecurity of homelessness when you know they have nowhere to retreat is intolerably cruel.

But then, most of the people doing the threatening have never really had nowhere to go.

All I want is somewhere I can go.

I might have to do some things that will make some people feel very ill but the alternative to flight for me is to be trapped, possibly forever.

I've done worse things.

And I've judged myself.

My mind is made up. I will do it, whatever it turns out that it must be.

The first chance I get,

I'm leaving this place.