I Called Bakura
I called him and I said 'It's me.. don't hang up, it's important'
He didn't hang up so I told him I was sorry for all the horrible things I said to him when he told me he was getting married. Just a month before he had told me he wanted to be with me, and the whole idea of him getting married came as a big shock to me. I was really really hurt and I unleashed all my anger and pain on him.
He said I had a right to feel that way, I said I it was okay. We both did things to hurt each other. There were many things wrong with our relationship that doomed it from the start.
I think I just had to let it go, to let him go. I tried to do that today and now I think it's going to be alright. I just talked and talked and poured out everything I'd been holding in my heart this whole month. When I finished he said "I really appreciate you saying this because I know it must have taken a lot for you to do this.."
And he's right. It did take a lot for me to call him. It took a lot for me not to cry. It took a lot for me to examine our relationship unbiasedly and admit to myself the things I did wrong and where I might have hurt him. It also took a lot for me to accept that he didn't choose me. He chose someone else, and if she's right for him then it's okay.
It was and still is very hard, but I had to be honest and honesty means letting him go freely and wishing him well, and I managed to do it today.
It hurt to hear his voice again. It's not yet quite a month since he broke my heart for the millionth time. I really hope he's happy, and I really hope I can be truly happy even without him and have internal peace.
There's only one thing I forgot to tell him: I forgive him.
If you ever find my blog and read this post, then know that yes, everything that happened happened, and I wish I could take a lot of it back, but it doesn't matter anymore. I did love you. I don't hate you Bakura, I forgive you.