My Super Duper Lottery Plan!
See? I really did win the lottery! Well, I really won only a dollar. Still, with the power ball at 1.4 billion dollars right now, I'm seeing even people I know normally don't entertain lottery fantasies buying tickets. I'm not a habitual gambler, but like play, like play, I've spent the last week imagining what I would do with $868 million (the lump sum cash payout) if I won the Powerball. Shebi they say preparation is half the battle? So if somehow, I beat the 1 in 292 million odds of winning, I'm sha prepared, and in my mind, this is how everything would go down:
I'd Keep My Mouth Shut
If by some miracle, I checked my lottery ticket and found out I had the winning numbers, there wouldn't be any celebration for me. Thank God there's now an app with which to check your ticket number, because I'd be paranoid about going to the grocery store and handing the cashier the ticket, only for them to pull out a gun from under the counter, kill me, and make off to the lottery commission to claim my winnings. Besides, the cashier or clerk knowing I've won the lottery is one person too many as far as I'm concerned. The only way to make sure they don't tell is to personally shut them up, and I'm not about to catch 25 to life, and not be able to enjoy my money abeg. If I won the Powerball or even any other smeh smeh lottery, I wouldn't even tell myself fa!
Me everyday, while nobody knows I'm the winner.
Sugabelly, the Friendly Ghost
As soon as I knew for sure, I'd get lost ASAP. Change my phone number, check into an airtight hotel like The Ritz under a fake name, buy my family members tickets to come join me at once to preempt kidnapping, seize everyone's cell phones and tablets, and keep the people I love under house arrest in my hotel room. For the next six months at least, we'd disappear off the face of the Earth.
Me and my whole family like...
Plan All the Way to the End
Once everyone is safe, I'd open a long string of accounts in preparation for receiving the money. No way I'm keeping $868 million in one bank account when banks only insure you up to like $250K. I'll lay out a detailed plan for what I'm going to do with the money BEFORE experiencing the crazy rush of excitement and madness that undoubtedly comes with becoming an almost billionaire overnight. First, I'd divide the money into three unequal portions - big chunk, medium chunk, and a small chunk. The biggest chunk will be distributed over twenty-five high interest, fixed deposit savings or money market accounts / CDs. Just dump it there, and leave it to generate interest forever. The medium chunk will go into various investments, including stocks, bonds, property, etc. I'll also set up the following separate trusts/funds:
An educational expenses fund for myself and all the kids in my family. I'm the only child, so this will cover my baby cousins and my adult cousins' kids. Every school related expense for each person from kindergarten to Masters will be paid for by this fund/trust - tuition, school supplies, transportation/plane tickets to and from school, etc all covered.
A family medical fund - Any health related or medical expenses of any kind, necessary or elective for anyone in my family will be paid from this trust/fund.
A family travel fund covering the cost of two business class round trips to anywhere in the world, and four weeks of hotel bills every year for each family member.
Everything will be paid directly to the school / hospital / airline, etc and must be accompanied by a receipt. No handing out random cash; that's how the devil uses people. I'm not a house person at all, so I'll buy myself a nice flat in a nice, secure high-rise building, a second, larger "family flat" so my aunts and cousins have a pied à terre wherever we live to come and go, and some land to build commercial rental properties on. Whatever's left of the medium chunk after all this will get dumped back into the principal to increase my return rate, then I'll set aside a portion of the smallest chunk purely for ridiculous fun purchases to get the millionaire mania out of my system, so I can settle down and live off a reasonable salary off the interest coming from the main chunk. Finally, the rest of the small chunk, I'll share among my Mom, my aunts (except this aunty), my Grandma, and my Grandpa.
Claiming the Cash
Sadly, lottery winners are made public in Washington DC, otherwise, I would claim my prize money anonymously. Since that isn't an option, this is how I'll come to present my winning ticket and pose for the media with my giant cheque.
Press: Please tell us your name?
Sugabelly: Lagbaja Not that it will do me any good since my cover got blown already, but di anyi, the more time I can buy before every Bisi, Binta, and Bilili in the world knows my face, the better.
First Things First
As soon as the funds hit my account, even before I put my financial plan into action, the very first thing I'm going to do is deduct all the taxes I'll owe into a separate account, and just keep it for the IRS jejely. Next order of business would be to pay off anybody I or anyone in my family owe money. Trust me, even if it's five naira and twenty-two kobo you dashed me for Cowbell and Okin biscuit, you are getting your money back down to the last kobo before it becomes "you told me you would pay me back with interest." It's too risky to be anybody's debtor again. Once I've paid you your money, please carry your wahala and go.
Avoiding Longathroats, Professional Beggars, and One Chancers
Besides hiring a top-notch security team, once I'm debt free and my financial plan is in place, my new voicemail greeting and auto respond on my email is going to be "Oga is not on seat." No, I can't invest in your nebulous business idea. No, I can't donate to your NGO. No, I won't pay tithe to your church. In short, #NoNewFriends. Besides the primary objective of advancing, securing, and perpetuating the multi-generational wealth and prosperity of myself, my family, and the people that I love, there are causes that are already dear to my heart, and if I choose to spend any money outside my primary objectives, it will be to advance those causes not the one that Segun, Sule, and Somto sent me proposal for because they heard I won the lottery.
It's like you don't know I senior you... On a serious note though, I'm not big on charity because I've seen reports that suggest many charitable organizations don't use majority of the donations they receive to actually help people. Apparently, most of your donations are used for "administrative costs" and to fund glamorous fundraisers, and that seems rather scammy to me. If I had the money though, something that I really want to make happen is dedicated nationwide rape kit collection and DNA processing in Nigeria, and full scholarships for gifted Nigerian students to attend top art schools abroad. So that's my super duper lottery plan. What's your plan for if you win the lottery?