Inertia
For the past year, and a couple of months, it's felt like I've been floating in a fog. I moved here from Abuja with a sense of purpose (or so I thought), to start my life over from scratch, make a lot of money, and sort out the issues that have plagued me for a large portion of my existence. Instead, a lot of my plans failed to launch, and I fell into a routine of depression and isolation that seemed to have no end in sight. It got so bad, that every day going back and forth through Union Station, I'd stand on the platform waiting for my train, and as the train approached, I'd ask myself "would it be so bad if I just jumped?" I thought about this every day for most of last year, but I couldn't pluck the courage to do it, and mostly guilt over causing my family pain and worry made me hesitate. Plus, in a random conversation with someone, I heard that people who jump in front of trains don't die immediately like I'd always believed. He said they get all twisted up instead, but the force of the train holds them together and keeps them alive, and it's only when the train is moved back off them that they come apart and die. I don't know how true this is, and I've had the unpleasant experience of accidentally coming across gory photos online to go look it up, but the possibility of it being true was enough to discourage me significantly. The same friend then told me that I shouldn't be looking to end it, but instead looking for ways to help me manage my depressive episodes instead. He told me that the popularity spike in medical marijuana had good reason to gain the popularity it has as a medicine, for many a different illness - and not just mental issues either. Considering I have never rolled a cigarette or a marijuana joint, I didn't know how I'd go about experimenting with marijuana to see if it could work for me. That's when my friend told me about glass pipes and "bongs" that you can fill with marijuana and simply inhale. Like I said, cigarettes are not really for me, but I would definitely be interested in an alternative for rolling papers. I suppose where cannabis is concerned, it is all about finding what works for you. To be honest, it is pretty impressive that marijuana can be used in so many creative ways. That is not all that I am considering though. For example, a few people that I know currently use CBD products as a way of boosting their mood and managing their mental health. CBD products can be purchased in most health and wellbeing stores these days. For instance, if you live in North Carolina, searching for 'cbd oil NC' can help you to find a stockist in your area. Above all, CBD products are a popular alternative for people that want to use cannabis extracts without having to smoke them. Anyway, that being said, sometime soon I am going to look around online for shops that sell smoking accessories and alternatives like bongs and pipes (Click here for an example of what I mean) to see how marijuana could potentially help with my depression. Also, just when I thought I was at my darkest moment, I met someone on Twitter in the midst of the online outrage at the chaos unfolding in Ferguson, and fell in love. It was so unexpected, but somehow it just happened, and for a month and a half, from the end of July to the end of August last year, I was the happiest girl in the world.
When your lover tells you he's going to sleep but you see him holding court on Twitter five minutes later ...
- Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) August 10, 2014
I want you to love me with the fire of a thousand burning suns - Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) August 19, 2014
I want you. This is the truest thing I've ever felt. - Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) August 19, 2014
Listening to your lover's cute snores on FaceTime as you fall asleep together is incredibly sweet ?? - Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) August 19, 2014
A month and a half, that's exactly how long our happiness lasted before cracks began to appear. The usual drama of loving a Nigerian man. When we first got together, he told me he and his girlfriend were not working out, and he was ending it in a week or two. Then it was he never specifically said when exactly he would end it, then "let's just enjoy each other, and stop worrying about that", and before I knew it, I had found myself in the unenviable position of accidental and unwilling side chick, and I was already too deeply in love to think straight.
Envy is the mask I wear that's cloven to my skin. Your promises try to soothe my soul, but I can't let them in. - Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) August 10, 2014
Some day, when I can thumb through the memories of the past year with him without breaking down, I might tell that story, but today is not that day. Suffice to say the past year has been a emotional hell of unimaginable torment and misery, broken promises, and shattered dreams, and I wish to goodness I'd had the foresight and good sense to walk away that afternoon we had our very first fight over her. Walked away, and never looked back.
I want to see all your true desires Show me your deepest, darkest ugly Show me the monster lurking in your shadow. Hide nothing from me baby - Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) August 19, 2014
In the midst of the deep, deep depression I've been fighting a losing battle with, I stopped writing my blog because it had lost the ability to bring me peace, however momentary from the despair, anxiety and sadness that endlessly threatens to engulf me.
I'm not crying. I swear I'm not. - Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) August 19, 2014
Being with him drew me to Twitter in a way I'd never been before, and somehow 140 characters was just enough for me get out enough emotion to let off some tension, but not enough that I had to sit down and face my unhappiness full on. I broke into a lot of rants on there out of frustration, often crying for hours afterwards because I felt so helpless. None of it was healthy, so I'm back to the only place that has ever felt like my safe space: this blog that was born to process feelings I was suffering too much to verbally articulate. I feel like I might never be happy or enjoy anything in life again, but I'm old enough to know that that can't be true. Not that I've had any reasons to remain hopeful lately.
There's a reason it's called falling in love, not walking into love or stepping into love. Sometimes you just fall flat on your fucking face - Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) August 10, 2014
I'm going to try and post every other day at least, and possibly every day if I can. I stopped writing in my journal too, so I've suppressed almost a year's worth of pain, heartbreak, self loathing, and misery, which I now have to process properly if I'm ever going to conquer my demons once and for all. Besides struggling with constant suicidal thoughts, I've suffered from utter apathy for little over a year now. Nothing excites me anymore, nothing makes me happy anymore. I've simply lacked the will to go on with life or look forward to anything in life or move forward with any of my plans. A lot of people in my position turn to drugs, but this is something that I know I won't do, regardless of how I feel. I have seen too many people suffer at the hands of drug addiction and I am just grateful there are places like Enterhealth to save them from their addiction. I may not have the will to go on, but I certainly won't be turning to drugs to try and solve that.
I sacrificed everything I had for someone I loved. My time, my energy, my emotions, my money, my skill, my patience, my forgiveness, my love
- Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) October 4, 2015
my body, my sleep, and my tears, and it has never been appreciated, and never been enough. So, I'm done.
- Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) October 4, 2015
I have the sense that if I don't start some sort of concerted effort to achieve my own recovery, nothing is ever going to change, and sooner or later, I will get tired of fighting these suicidal thoughts and impulses. I'm already so exhausted, and I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
No more, and never again. Come what may.
- Empress Sugabelly (@sugabelly) October 4, 2015
But what do we say to the God of Death? Not today.