Last night

HL and I had another fight.

But we made up.

I think... I'm beginning to understand what I want.

I want affection. And with HL I've been substituting sex for affection. It's not the same thing.

I've done it with everyone I've ever been with (used sex as a stand-in for affection) because in the past, it was the only way I could get affection.

With HL, I already had his affection but I couldn't see it. Like Nosa said, I wouldn't recognize it if it was written on a  billboard on his head and if he smacked me in the face with it.

HL keeps forgiving my transgressions but everyone must have their limit right?

Last night I actually cried in front of him. Usually I wait till he's out of sight and earshot before dissolving into tears but last night he apologised (for something I did) and I went to his room to tell him in person that it wasn't his fault and I was sorry. 

Maybe I couldn't believe he liked me and so I kept trying to force him to show me the hate I was convinced he held for me.

He doesn't hate me. I know that now but I've still fucked things up royally.

I keep using sex to ask for forgiveness... and HL forgives my transgressions...but like he said last night.. he would forgive me anyway... even if I didn't ask.

I'm not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.

I'm still trying to break up with myself.

I want to be with HL but how am I going to protect him from myself?

when the sun shines we'll shine together

told you I'll be here forever

said I'll always be your friend

took an oath, i'mma stick it out to the end

now that it's raining more than ever

know that we'll still have each other

you can stand under my umbrella

HL will let me stand under his umbrella... but not the way I want. We are friends.. yes... but the other feelings between us are unpredictable.

I have to get my addictions under control and stop substituting one for another. Sex or food. Food or sex. I've started eating again because I needed to stop creeping into his bed in the dead of the night. HL is not Bakura. They are like Night and Day. Doing the same thing with both of them doesn't produce the same results.

HL does not require peace offerings from me or a heart beating wildly with fear.

I started eating again... so I could stop.

He doesn't know.. but I can't let him find out. I'll get this under control somehow....