Whenever I think about my relationship with HL (Japanese Boy) and how it deteriorated and ultimately ended, I feel really sad. Thinking about him makes me cry and everything about it makes me sad. A lot of things happened on both sides and I think at some point it was clear that the only option was to just not be around each other any more.

Even so, I miss him.

A lot of women have mental "lists" of characteristics they want in the men they date or marry. I don't have a list but then again my track record of relationships with men is worse than a bomb in a septic tank so what do I know?

I've been thinking about things that make a man desirable and to be perfectly honest, I love who I love and that's pretty much it but I just realised that small and insignificant as it may be, one of the reasons I was so reluctant to let HL go was that he's an artist.

Somehow I just think that that was something special we had in common; that we had together. He would look through my sketch books and I'd look through his. He'd bitch about all the stuff he had to draw before so-so date and I would understand. Sure, he was definitely more musically inclined / into music than I am - He's a DJ and listens to music ALL DAY from like 6am till he goes to sleep, even in class; I'm not really into music although I like a bunch of artists and songs and I used to play the piano and the recorder - but we understood each other's artistic needs and I don't know if it counts or not but it meant a lot to me.

I'll probably end up with whoever I end up with but I feel like if I had children and they couldn't draw I would be heartbroken. Somehow I have this fantasy of me and my husband and my kids drawing and painting and being arty together so maybe artistic ability is sort of secretly / subconsciously one of the genetic factors on my list.

I always thought I didn't have a list but now that I think about it, maybe I do. Maybe I have a list of one.