Victims of Abuse
...will often seek out abusive relationships.
Last night I don't know what happened but something fucking broke inside my head
Now the shit has hit the proverbial fan
Why oh why can't I be normal?
I guess this is normal for someone like me
I thought I'd suppressed all the painful memories that messed up things in my head
I guess not.
Last night they reared their ugly heads and I fucking went apeshit.
You see
Abusive relationships are predictable
And all I want is to feel safe
If you can tell what is going to happen you can protect yourself
Yeah he might hit you and yell at you and force your legs apart every now and then
But at least you knew it was coming
And you can set your mind on Autopilot
You see
Hung Lo makes me feel safe
But Hung Lo is also unpredictable
Which makes me feel unsafe
In other words he confuses me
And confusion is rather dangerous... or so I've learned from experience
So
Even though I knew I shouldn't
And even though I tried not to
And even though it was stupid
And the worst possible shit to pull
Last night I tried to push him to the limit
And give him power that's always incredibly dangerous
In the hope that he would use it
Last night I watched myself be fucking stupid
And he taught me something about control
So in other words
I made a fool of myself
And I might have walked out of there covered in the scent of his skin
With a lovebite on my neck to proclaim his ownership of me
And I might have cried myself to sleep
And he probably thinks I'm crazy right now
And I wouldn't blame him if he did
Because sometimes I think I'm fucking crazy
And sometimes I don't like to be by myself
Because I'm scared to be alone with myself
Hung Lo confuses the shit out of me
And I don't like it
Hung Lo makes me feel both safe and unsafe
Safe because I know he won't hurt me
And unsafe because I don't know what he will do
or what I'll be tempted to force him to do
We are friends
But when I'm near him I want something so badly it borders on hunger
Maybe I've been running on Autopilot so long
That I expect him to be abusive
Maybe I'm just waiting for it to happen
I couldn't possibly abuse him
Unless you count using him to use myself
Dear God, please make him kiss me again
Before I unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.