Victims of Abuse

...will often seek out abusive relationships.

Last night I don't know what happened but something fucking broke inside my head

Now the shit has hit the proverbial fan

Why oh why can't I be normal?

I guess this is normal for someone like me

I thought I'd suppressed all the painful memories that messed up things in my head

I guess not.

Last night they reared their ugly heads and I fucking went apeshit.

You see

Abusive relationships are predictable

And all I want is to feel safe

If you can tell what is going to happen you can protect yourself

Yeah he might hit you and yell at you and force your legs apart every now and then

But at least you knew it was coming

And you can set your mind on Autopilot

You see

Hung Lo makes me feel safe

But Hung Lo is also unpredictable

Which makes me feel unsafe

In other words he confuses me

And confusion is rather dangerous... or so I've learned from experience

So

Even though I knew I shouldn't

And even though I tried not to

And even though it was stupid

And the worst possible shit to pull

Last night I tried to push him to the limit

And give him power that's always incredibly dangerous

In the hope that he would use it

Last night I watched myself be fucking stupid

And he taught me something about control

So in other words

I made a fool of myself

And I might have walked out of there covered in the scent of his skin

With a lovebite on my neck to proclaim his ownership of me

And I might have cried myself to sleep

And he probably thinks I'm crazy right now

And I wouldn't blame him if he did

Because sometimes I think I'm fucking crazy

And sometimes I don't like to be by myself

Because I'm scared to be alone with myself

Hung Lo confuses the shit out of me

And I don't like it

Hung Lo makes me feel both safe and unsafe

Safe because I know he won't hurt me

And unsafe because I don't know what he will do

or what I'll be tempted to force him to do

We are friends

But when I'm near him I want something so badly it borders on hunger

Maybe I've been running on Autopilot so long

That I expect him to be abusive

Maybe I'm just waiting for it to happen

I couldn't possibly abuse him

Unless you count using him to use myself

Dear God, please make him kiss me again

Before I unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.